The Believer

I have a nice painting in my house. It’s also the only professional painting I own. Some of my friends really dislike it, I don’t know exactly why. Maybe it’s the use of colours, shades of orange and blue. Or maybe it’s the big eye situated in the centre of it, sometimes it reminds me of a big omelette. There’s also a blend of cubism in it which shows the painter has a perfectionist side. I’ve never known why I like this painting so much from the first time I saw it, still unfinished, with parts of the canvas untouched, bright white. Every time I visited the painter his house, for whatever reason, I caught a glimpse of the painting in progress. Discretely, for my own personal enjoyment. Months passed by until one evening, a few days after my birthday, when I happened to have a drink with some friends at the house of the painter. Out of the blue he tells me he still has a birthday present he wants to give me. He stood up, went to his easel, picked up the by now finished painting, and dropped it in my hands. I could not accept this gift. I’ve never had a gift like this before in my life. But he didn’t want it back, it was for me. He wrote me a personal text on the back and signed it with his name at the front. Since this day, the painting has always been on a wall in my living room where I can see it everyday. And I’m talking about a decade already.
Years passed by, and as a lot of things in life, we lost contact, changed friends and social scenes. He tried to contact me twice over the years, but I never picked up his calls, because I didn’t feel like. I thought we might meet each other again randomly, just somewhere out there. But that never happened and will not ever happen again. He took that chance with him 2 months ago, together with a lot of other chances. And I don’t know why. Just like his painting. I don’t know why I like it.

Seeing, believing
No such miracle of faith
Such faith
In such a miracle,
Will see faith
-David-

Gridlock

Yes, it’s been long. I faced a lack of creativity and a way to translate my thoughts on a paper. While my head was spinning around all the time, I couldn’t put down sentences or even words. Maybe I’ve just been lazy or maybe it has to do with being busy organizing my paperwork and the pressure of finding work since I’m a freelancer, so I’m looking for work the whole year through. I will not go into details about my position as an artist (and all the shit that comes with that, referring to paperwork and the bureaucracy involved) in this society, because it would bore you to death. But what I’ve been noticing, when looking back on 2009, is that I’m getting more poor each year while I’m working the same amount of hours or even more. I guess someone’s fucking with our minds (and wallets) and it certainly is not GOD. (sorry Bill Hicks :D ).

I don’t know if this is just a national happening or if some people on other continents have the same feeling. Some friends of mine told me exactly the same thing. More and more people have difficulties to survive every month, and if it wasn’t for my boyfriend who sometimes hands me some Euros I would have been in a great financial nightmare by now. I still plan to pay him back one day, if it’s ever possible. My friends and me have to make choices every month like … Can we go to the dentist this month? Can I fix my bike this month? Are we able to pay the train to go to an audition? The gynaecologist for an urgent research will have to wait a few months as well. Sick? Sorry, cant afford to see a doctor and pay for medication.

In the supermarket I feel guilty when I would buy something nice to eat because really, I shouldn’t buy food that’s a little bit more expensive. I’m touching wood here, because if something in my place would break down, like the fridge for example, then it would be quite a disaster, ‘cause I don’t have the budget to replace anything here.

But okay…I can deal with all that, and my friends as well because we’ve learned to be creative in living life like this. So don’t read this as a big complaint. I’m not complaining.

What really makes me sick tho is that nowadays everything is seen as an economic number.

Yesterday I’ve seen on the news that (following the numbers of course) even when the economy went down in 2009, a lot of people saved money and that a lot of people gained money as well. Who? Seriously who? I guess it’s the richest people, but of course they don’t say that when they show the graphics. I certainly didn’t gain money, nor my friends.

I don’t believe in this system anymore. For the banks there’s money when there’s a crisis (“because we have to give them money to avoid an economic catastrophe”), for security systems, to protect the travelers at the railway there’s no money, for homeless people sleeping on the streets during the freezing cold we had this winter there’s no money and for multinationals planning to bring their business to another (foreign) country there’s a lot of money (ref. to Opel/GM group Belgium). So where’s the fucking balance? There’s none.

And yes they complain about the unemployed being on benefits (like me when I’m not under contract) and that they profit of the tax money. But I never heard anyone say something about the top-wages and benefits CEO’s are getting while there’s a crisis going on. Seriously, who takes it serious to be getting paid this much for what, for their excellent brain?

If this year will go down again, I will be forced to live together instead of keeping my independency. I’m seriously considering to stop voting next time (it’s obligated here), instead they can have my middle finger.